Homesickness.

So I just got to NZ again and pretty much panicking about my visa because I did not know that  I had all this shit to settle before I could apply (note to self: don’t be a dumdum next time.). I’ve been having poor sleep until yesterday as well, and it’s because I’m homesick. It hit me right in the gut, and sometimes it hurts to breathe because I was totally unexpected for it and I thought I was over it since I went through once ykno? And for some reason this time it’s even worse than last time. I was just in the shower and literally wanted my mom so bad I just started crying in the shower. This kind of stuff only happens in movies, guys. like, srsly gaise.

On the other hand, I’ve had a good day today. I returned my rice cooker and got a better one, and I had a nice evening with some friends from last year. We got takeout and went to the beach, and I met a few of their roommates which was nice, and we got to chat a bit and stuff, which was great as well.

All in all, I think I’ll get over my homesickness soon, and hopefully I can get my shit together before I do anything next time. I really need to get my shit together. Like srsly I don’t wanna be deported. D: When will I ever get over this like seriously.

Side note: I might try drinking. Like might. try. 

oh well, whatever. until next time.

Love,

Char.

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cat.

So I came back from work as I normally did, by driving. While I was driving, I heard little mews every now and then. Which surprised me. There couldn’t be cats in my car, right? I locked the doors, there’s no way in. Right? So I let it be and just went home. And when I got home, I let my dog outside every now and then to let her pee and smell things, like dogs do. And there it was again. And Jojo heard it too, so I couldn’t be hearing things. Could I? Or maybe it was a ghost cat?

But no, it was a cat. Specifically, it was a kitten. It couldn’t have been more than 6 weeks old, I guessed. I don’t have any nice pictures, but maybe I’ll upload it later. I googled it, so it’s around 6 weeks. I think. The gender I’ll have to check again tomorrow just to be sure, but I think it’s a tomcat even though I started referring it as a she like ever since I got her out of my car. So I took it out, I cleaned its eyes because holy crap that was really gross and dirty where was your mom?! I cleaned up the eyes the best I could and the nose a little bit and I let it walk around a little bit and tried to give it some water. And then we put it in a box. The proverbial we being me and my sister holding my frantic dog who just wanted to smell the kitten and/or kill it.

I asked a few friends and someone’s mom agreed to take it  in, so that’s nice. It’ll be out of my hands soon. I mean, it’s not like I don’t want to keep it. I’m leaving in two months and I have a dog who chases cats. Plus, no one in my house wants to keep it. So, there’s that. someone will take it in, and I don’t have to feel bad about accidentally cat-napping. I hope it’s sleeping but I don’t want to check on it without waking it up. I hope no other cats try to kill it. ._.

I lied I feel terrible. I can’t get it out of my head and it won’t be over until the kitten is in good hands and mine aren’t good hands they’re terrible hands I want to drive back to where I came from and leave the kitten there ohmygod I can’t

Moments.

Here’s something a little personal and weird: I have ‘moments’. Not like, I have moments when I’m weird. Let me explain. You know sometimes when you’re chilling with your family and/or friends? So sometimes I get nice times like that, when everyone is just enjoying themselves and we’re all happy. And I kind of just take a step back in my head and just relish the moment. Alternatively, I could engage in the fun stuff myself to create more happy times, but this is how I do. Am I the only one who does this?

I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time and we had dinner together. And while we were talking, she mentioned that I had changed. Since we were friends from primary school all through secondary school, she probably had a lot of time to observe me. And I asked, how so? She told me I was more engaging now. I talked more. That I wasn’t so afraid to speak anymore. This surprised me. I didn’t realize I seemed that way. I guess back then I was more concerned about the people around me than myself. A prime example would be me not fussing over my skin and fussing over someone with a runny nose. That, is stupid. I realized it as I typed it. It’s true though, and I’m pretty stupid for not prioritizing my own well-being.

Right this is going off topic but I should put this somewhere just to remind myself every now and then.

Charley, please remember that even though you don’t really care about your own skin, your family does. It hurts them to see it like that. If you don’t want them to talk, just take care of it yourself. Also it’s quite unsightly. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Please, take better care of your own skin. You’re 19 now. Your first responsibility is to your own body.

Okay, so anyway, I just wanted to let that out somewhere. Back to the topic. Right, so I changed, and I’ve come to realize that’s a good thing. People don’t know what you’re thinking. They only see what you’re doing. You act skittish, they think skittish. You act confident, they think confident. I’ve got my college friends to thank for that. They’re really different from my school friends. And while I still love my school friends, there’s a fresh perspective from my college friends that I’m pretty happy about.

Here I am, taking another ‘moment’. It’s weird, right? Eh.

Love,

Charley.

EDIT 20/12/2015: Sidenote, happy 100th post. lol okay

eh.

Okay, so here it is. I have been offered a place in NZ. Panic ensues.

Also, I cut my hair. Yay me. I’m not quite sure if I like this look, but I am too lazy to do anything about it at the moment. Also because I just cut my hair I’m not going to pay to cut it again lol. Having long hair isn’t as fun as I thought it’d be. Or maybe it’s just me who doesn’t give in the effort to try to have nice long hair. So shoulder length it is. Yeah. I’ve been thinking about dying my hair blue, but since I have no effort to spare for maintaining it, I might just get blue highlights, or an electric blue streak somewhere.

I do know what to do with my life. I go to university. I’ve just got to get my shit together and wait for the other two universities to reply me so I can choose. If not, then I’ll just go with whoever accepted me first.

I need to catch up on my reading. More things to do.

Oh yeah. Apparently, since I’ve decided to go vegan, or at least do my halfway kind of vegan, I’ve lost weight. I think it’s all muscle that I lost. Thanks to that, I’ve been cranky for weeks. WEEKS I TELL YA. And I had no idea, until a friend who did lost weight tell me that. Which is great and terrible. I didn’t expect to lose weight, but I guess yay me? I’m cool with my current weight, but I’ve lost one entire kilogram of what I think is muscle. It could be my calorie intake, or the lack of protein in my diet which I’m still trying to properly substitute. Either way, I don’t want to continue losing weight because I am super cranky. That’s not a good feeling. He said it’s because when we lost weight we release testosterone. But why? Also if this is how testosterone buildup feels like I am so glad I am a biological female and I’ll gladly take my once a month PMS over super cranky all day err day.

Yep. This is me. Losing weight by not doing anything and then whining about the side effects. It’s not like I have anything to be sad about, right? I mean, I get to eat more!

Yeah, okay. I’ll go now.

Enjoy life, and I have no idea who or why you are reading this.

Love,

Char.

Life.

So I got a job last week. I work at a tuition centre that I used to attend myself for Math, but now I’m an English tutor. I guide the kids along with their classwork. It’s alright. The kids are cute and pretty fun to work with most of the time. I only have breaks to eat though, but it’s pretty good considering I only work 5 hours a day 4 days a week. Yep. They’re all half-days because that’s the only time when the centre is open. It’s good.

I got an offer of placement for two out of three unis that I applied for. I now have no idea which one to pick. I think I might pick the one that’s not so popular, just cuz? For money, most likely. I think. I don’t know? Help? I’m giving myself until the end of Friday to decide. Maybe the third uni will reply me? yeah okay.

Well, life’s starting to pick up now.

Love,

Char.

Makeup makes me feel prettier.

I was always a little hesitant at the idea of makeup. People wear it all the time, and they do look amazing with it. It brings out your features and makes you look more attractive. And it does, really, it does. I used to be one of those ‘tomboy’ girls who didn’t like ‘girly’ girls because I thought it made us girls look well, weak. Of course, that was before feminism. Ah, feminism. Teaching all girls to love whoever they are, whatever it may be.

This is waaaay overdue. I thought this up during my A-Levels prom, which was June 2015. So I’m 3 months late, sue me.

Anyway, I used to be very hesitant of makeup because of the practicality, mostly. What if you start crying? Your nose itches? You need to rub your eye? Need to scratch your face? You’ll ruin it anyway, so what’s the point? It was more of an annoyance. But whenever concerts came up or formal dinners and we had to dress properly (which meant that I was forced into a dress or skirt as usual) and I look at the pretty makeup everyone else has on, I feel kind of left out. Like, holy crap, makeup is like magic, if you think about it. Women are all magical, and makeup is our fae glamour, in a sense.

Right, so during prom, I slept over at a friend’s house so I didn’t have to drive there myself (nor did I want to), her mom helped me with my makeup. Which was amazing. Like seriously, it was like I had my own magical girl transformation. It wasn’t even that much because I didn’t use/put on eyeliner or mascara because it wasn’t liquid based and my eyes weren’t used to it so they protested by tearing up. Self-esteem level up! Anyway, you just feel like you can do anything with makeup. I used to be really skeptical about it, but man, I felt really confident about my looks. That is, until I saw everyone else but that’s not important. The point is, makeup makes me feel really pretty. Although I’m still wondering if it’s a thing that will wear off if you wear it too much. Maybe the rarity makes it magical? We’ll start small, with BB cream.

Being reminded that I’m a girl seems more fun now. 🙂

Love,

Char.

Done and done.

So ‘Abe’ came back with some kind of weird confession but not thing and it sparked the flames of anger inside me. I don’t usually get angry and my sprinklers turn on pretty quickly. Anyway, what he said had pissed me off royally so I decided to give him a piece of my mind. Well, I gave him a piece of my mind alright. A two-page essay piece.

and he replied.

That ticked me off so much that for a while I couldn’t figure out why. And then I did. See, the essay of a reply was telling him what I thought of him since he so desperately wanted to know, and none of it was good (anymore). I mean, I was honest about it, mostly but I was more angry than honest as I wrote it. And it was kind of like a ‘f off’ kind of essay. I wanted it to sting and make him go away. To be fair, I tried to be nice at first. I swear! Anyway, I got a bit more spiteful in the end, but that was just the end. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have had phrased it as a question, but it’s too late now. Anyway, I was pissed because my ‘f off’ message was a message to which he replied. So he got the last word in. Yes, it is as annoying as it sounds. I finally got him off my tail, and I am ticked that I didn’t get the last word in. Gods, I am so … I don’t know. It’s annoying, okay? I’m a child. I wanted to win this stupid thing. And he got it. And the stupid thing is, he said ‘the next time we cross paths’. I wanted to smack him through the web. I HOPE WE NEVER CROSS PATHS EVER AGAIN. Fates, please have mercy. Ugh.

Right, so anyway, it was done and done, and as much as I wanted to retaliate by getting angry, I don’t want to continue to talk to him. So now, I’m here, wanting to argue back but knowing that he will reply if I do. Ugh.

At least it’s over?

Love,

charlinosaur