Reflection

Today is my birthday. Happy birthday, me.

I thought about what to do today, since I’m technically on my own here, and it just doesn’t feel the same without family and friends. Not that I don’t have friends here, I just don’t feel like making a fuss about it, especially since I recently had a family vacation in Australia. It kinda feels like that was my present already. Added to the fact that I now have a new laptop, plus I bought myself some pretty pricey sunglasses in July, and I just bought myself a sweater yesterday, AND today I got myself some cupcakes. So, since I got a lot of stuff near my birthday, I’ll just take them all as my birthday presents collectively. Life is good. I have flown in and out of the country a couple times already, I’ve spent quality time with my family on a vacay, I got myself quite a few things, and I bought a book before I came back (in July).

So, it’s no biggie. I don’t need a birthday party this year. Added to the fact that I had a pretty shitty day yesterday and I have an assignment due in 48 hours, I don’t really want to do anything or go anywhere, really. Also, Empire of Storms by Sarah J. Maas just came out (highly recommend the Throne of Glass series btw).

I was gonna reflect on somethings, but I will just sum it up in bullet points since I’m too lazy to do this lol.

  • I am very privileged to be able to fly in and out of the country while studying abroad.
  • I am loved by my family and friends.
  • I have nice things, good food and clean water.
  • Life is pretty good for me.

I just wanted to take this time to appreciate that. A lot of people, including me, don’t take the time to appreciate the things (and people) we have and I just wanted to do that today. I’m happy right now. And that’s good. (seriously this laptop types so nicely I love it so much lol okbye)

Til next time,

Love,

Char.

Moments.

Here’s something a little personal and weird: I have ‘moments’. Not like, I have moments when I’m weird. Let me explain. You know sometimes when you’re chilling with your family and/or friends? So sometimes I get nice times like that, when everyone is just enjoying themselves and we’re all happy. And I kind of just take a step back in my head and just relish the moment. Alternatively, I could engage in the fun stuff myself to create more happy times, but this is how I do. Am I the only one who does this?

I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time and we had dinner together. And while we were talking, she mentioned that I had changed. Since we were friends from primary school all through secondary school, she probably had a lot of time to observe me. And I asked, how so? She told me I was more engaging now. I talked more. That I wasn’t so afraid to speak anymore. This surprised me. I didn’t realize I seemed that way. I guess back then I was more concerned about the people around me than myself. A prime example would be me not fussing over my skin and fussing over someone with a runny nose. That, is stupid. I realized it as I typed it. It’s true though, and I’m pretty stupid for not prioritizing my own well-being.

Right this is going off topic but I should put this somewhere just to remind myself every now and then.

Charley, please remember that even though you don’t really care about your own skin, your family does. It hurts them to see it like that. If you don’t want them to talk, just take care of it yourself. Also it’s quite unsightly. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Please, take better care of your own skin. You’re 19 now. Your first responsibility is to your own body.

Okay, so anyway, I just wanted to let that out somewhere. Back to the topic. Right, so I changed, and I’ve come to realize that’s a good thing. People don’t know what you’re thinking. They only see what you’re doing. You act skittish, they think skittish. You act confident, they think confident. I’ve got my college friends to thank for that. They’re really different from my school friends. And while I still love my school friends, there’s a fresh perspective from my college friends that I’m pretty happy about.

Here I am, taking another ‘moment’. It’s weird, right? Eh.

Love,

Charley.

EDIT 20/12/2015: Sidenote, happy 100th post. lol okay

Me, myself and I.

You know I’ve always thought that, since I was the one who never reached out, it’d make sense for me not to have close companions that called up or texted every now and then. But now, I am reaching out. I just always seem to pull my hand back when they face me. and I always seem to use the word ‘I’ when I think. It’s always about me. Me, I, myself. Me, me, me. Have I always been this selfish? I have no idea. I can’t seem to get my head around the fact that I’m so self-centered. People out there are dying from poverty, disease, war, lack of clean water and I’m just sitting here facing my laptop thinking about how sad am and how my life sucks and my personality stinks and how can never seem to get my head straight and all those things about myself. That’s a lot of ‘me’s. Maybe the world is punishing me by making me punishing myself. You see, there I go again. Exactly how long does it take for me to get it through to my head that this world, heck, this universe does not revolve around me and my petty little problems? So my feelings got hurt. Someone died in a battlefield. So I feel a little lonely. Someone’s parent got murdered. So I just want someone to comfort me. Somebody has just lost their loved one from disease. Why do I keep thinking about myself when the world is so big and so complex and so out there?  … Maybe it’s too big and too complex and too out there. Maybe, I’m the one blocking myself from seeing the world.   The world is full of places to be and people to see and food to eat and culture to experience and history to know and animals to love and protect and be captivated with.   So why can’t I just pull myself together long enough to see that I can be part of that? All these why’s and how’s are of my own thoughts, my own ideas and beliefs. I just have to take that leap. I just can’t. I’m too afraid. Lost inside my own mind, too far down that rabbit hole. The ladder up is right beside me, but I seem to just grab that shovel and keep digging my way down. Looking for another Wonderland when the world is up ahead.   Wow. When did I get so negative in life?

I’ve come to a conclusion: I may never again trust myself to do anything. DO NOT ALLOW OTHER PEOPLE TO DEPEND ON YOU. Like seriously. Just refuse the offer. Do not ask to help. Okay? Just slowly back away. And just. Don’t say anything. Ever. Again. 

 

PS. I stand by my previous analysis. 

PPS. Staying positive is hard when you’re the one being wronged. Staying positive is even harder when you’re the one in the wrong. 

PPPS. I hate myself. 

Love, 

the Pocket Monster. 

who really is a monster. 

Whenever I want to ask ‘Should I do this?’ or say that ‘I don’t feel like I can do it’ or maybe just ‘I don’t like this part of me’ all I really want you to do is to freaking reassure me that I am not because I’m just unsure of myself and your opinion and/or support really means a lot to me and I really want to do this but I’m afraid of bothering people with my insecurities so I just keep my mouth shut and smile and pretend that I’m totally not fucking fine, because I’m expected to be perfectly capable of handling myself as an adolescence if you just ignore all the raging hormones and other adolescent things that I am currently facing. 

And the worst part is when they agree with what I’m saying. “I don’t think I can do this.” “Oh yeah, I think so too. No offense of course -insert fake laughter-.” “I don’t like this part of me.” “I know right? I mean, no offense but ….” “Do you think I should do this? Can I pull it off?” “Nah, you’d probably give up anyway.” Wow, thanks a fucking lot. That just effectively increased my self-worthlessness-confidence and I totally know what to do now. That was such great advice. 

But the saddest part is that even if I’m really grateful for all the nice things that you do say, I’m reluctant to believe it. Because life is a freaking roller coaster and every, and I mean every single time I start to feel good about myself, something bad happens and I’m always left wondering if the cause of the bad thing happening is because I felt good about myself. And that’s not okay. That’s not healthy. And most of all, that doesn’t make me happy. 

I am trying, though. I really am.

Honest. 

Love, 

the Pocket Monster.

Late night confessions-Numero Uno

I was watching lots of videos today, and the one that caught my attention the most was Louis Cole (http://www.youtube.com/user/funforlouis) … well, and also this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1TnFYpcu8Q&list=PL7915EF89067EEECC&index=1) it was really fun and creative and I enjoyed it a lot. They did a wonderful job at it. 🙂

Oh, yes, and also a lot of Draw My Life videos

Anyway, Louis’s videos (and the Draw My Lifes) really got me thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I mean, it wasn’t very special or anything, but I wanted to go out there and really DO something, you know, that I could be proud of. That I could look back on and say, ‘Yeah, those were some good times.’ To have some fun stories to tell my grandchildren. To have MEMORIES.

Oh cheese, I don’t know.

I’m scared, though. I want to have all those things but I’m scared to reach out and grab them (yes, I am a pussycat.) [there’s nothing wrong with cats, though, just sayin’.] I mean, what if I end up homeless or jobless or live on the streets or something. I can barely cook and clean for myself, for crying out loud.

Yes, yes, the most obvious answer is to change that. To start anew. To DO something about it. To learn how to clean and cook for myself. To learn how to deal with taxes and everything so when I move out I won’t rip my hair out figuring these things out. I really do want to move out, by the way.

Back to the subject, my future is mine to deal with. Not anybody else’s. That’s what I’m trying to say here, I guess. I feel suffocated in my own house, my own family, for Pete’s sake. I don’t want to make the same mistakes people did. I want to be my own person. I want to BE someone. I want to live. I  … want to get a video camera and start recording the pointless bits of my life so I can have something to remember, even if it isn’t much, really.

Well, that’s all I suppose.

Feeling sleepy and moody,

Love,

Charley

the Pocket Monster.

[I’ve been feeling pretty pocket-sized lately, and I think I’m a monster sometimes, but the name stuck mostly because I love Pokemon. :3]