Instead of being nervous or insecure of wearing comfortable but not the most attractive of clothing outside like yoga pants and ratty T-shirts I find that it’s the opposite for me. Like I would rather wear my shorts and some random T-shirt and go out and feel inadequate about what I’m wearing instead of actually dressing up and going out and feeling less adequate (?) about myself in public.
The reason that brought this on is the fact that I’m probably going out with my family tomorrow (or later today) to some fancy schmancy shopping mall and I feel like I want to dress up for it. Obviously my family will not even let me step out of the house unless I look fairly decent, but still. I want to dress up, feel girly. Enjoy myself and be feminine without stressing out over it.
Yes. I, Charley am more afraid of dressing up and being girly than being judged for the clothing I wear. Believe it or not, the me now is a huge improvement over the me say … 6 years ago. The me back then was pretty much a tomboy. I used to hate wearing skirts for the obvious reason of practicality: I couldn’t cross my legs without someone seeing my panties or whatever, I didn’t give a fiddlestick about that, but I was still a child and didn’t understand the term ‘pedophile’ yet. Thankfully, my family made it their duty to make sure if I was wearing a skirt I would behave properly. Unfortunately, it made me averse to the idea of skirts unless they were long and fluffy (so I could cross my legs and still hide my legs under them). I had the delight of experiencing that when my mom got me a really cute flower girl type dress for my cousin’s wedding. That was nice. However it meant that I did not like other, ‘normal’ dresses. I didn’t mind the other apparel unless they itched, in which case I had an extreme distaste for and would not wear them for the life of me. There were some times were I secretly enjoyed it, though I never told anyone, and for the most part I was just … distancing myself from the idea of liking girly things and all that junk because I was fed that the stereotype was the kind of girl I didn’t want to be. That being girly and liking boys and pretty dresses and makeup was the kind of ‘weak’ girl and frilly and things like that. I wanted to be tough and strong and ‘one of the boys’ kind of girl. Note that I have mentioned ‘wanted’ because I wasn’t really that kind of girl. It was a complicated time for 12-year-old Charley’s mindset. And yet it was so much simpler for Charley herself, because she’d set up lines and boundaries. Everything was black and white. Boys were icky, unless they were in my manga or movies or books, because they weren’t real. And I didn’t think about what others thought of me so much because I had better things to do like write my story (which I already knew was insanely cheesy and crappy) that I enjoyed, reading just about whatever I could get my hands on and watching cartoons. Ah, cartoons. They were my safe haven. There I could enjoy watching the girls enjoy fashion and kick serious villain butt at the same time. (Thank you Totally Spies, Kim Possible and Powerpuff Girls) Although obviously, I enjoyed so much more than that, so it didn’t occur to me that I was very lucky to have been able to enjoy a balanced moral values(?) taught by all the cartoons I was watching.
Yes, I see now what the problem is. Feminism has taught me much. Gender roles and all that other things also were what influenced me to think that way and I’m grateful that I’m no longer having that mindset, although I do have to admit it’s a work in progress. You can’t just remove 18 years of bad habits and toxic mindsets. What I didn’t realize at that time was that it was not only okay for girls to like boys and fashion and kick butt at the same time, but also for me to like boys and fashion and also other things like science and being badass at the same time.
Right, anyway, so that kind of brings me where I am now. I know that I enjoy wearing my pants and T-shirts and all that but lately I’ve been branching out and I’m actually enjoying myself when I wear different pretty shirts and there was once or twice when I wore a dress to school and although it was annoying, I did enjoy all the compliments and realized (and holy shit did I realize that) what a difference it made when I was wearing a dress and when I wasn’t. I’m still trying to get over myself being ‘not okay’ with wearing a skirt because I actually do feel girly and (dare I say it) giggly. Yes. I actually get giggly about things. Although I have to say it’s not usually things like being girly or wearing something feminine or stylish or fashionable, usually it was things like breaking those littlest rules that don’t really matter like skipping a class or whatever, I am starting to get giggly about the little things too.
Like today when I was talking with my best friend.
Speaking of best friends, she came for a sleepover. Yay me. 🙂 I miss her already. It’s not the same, you know. And we hadn’t had a sleepover in the longest time, so I was happy. Again we did not commemorate the moment with a picture, We did make failed cookies and chocolate cakes though. She mentioned that maybe I’m just destined to be a brownie person, like whatever I bake becomes a brownie.
Okay, anyway, I might dress up tomorrow. Maybe not in a dress though, maybe just a skirt .Taking baby steps. Yeah.
Go feminist Charley, learning to accept herself and learning to let herself be both nerdy and girly at the same time
That’s all I have for a midnight confession rant thing.
Don’t even know why I was spurred to write this.
Oh, and also, check this out:
I meant this, but that other one was also cool too. I mean, I can dig that. ^