Gap Year.

I’ve decided to take a gap year.

I’ve already done it, told my counselor and everything so there’s no turning back now. I don’t know, with everything going on lately I just kind of decided to take a break from life?

A lot of shit has happened and I don’t know, I haven’t been in the right mind lately, I’ve been crying more than usual (although that might be partially due to the hormones.) and I just keep feeling miserable more often than not. I’m not going into detail about the shit that has been happening because it’s a little personal and well, I don’t really want to go into it. The gist is that my brother got into some minor shit and we had a talk and then someone had passed away recently and basically I’m just freaking out about everything.

Another thing I’ve noticed though, is that I’m losing touch with my childhood. I don’t know, I’ve been watching old (and new) cartoons lately and reading my old works and rereading old stories and basically just trying to remember who I was and what I wanted with life. I mean, I still love most of the things that I love now like animation and cartoons and books and reading and writing and music and lyrics and melody and dogs and animals and all that. But I wonder what happened to that twelve year old. The one who would laugh with her friends and come home to her family and argue with her brother but secretly love him more than her sisters and being curious about loving big dogs because she was too scared to get closer to them. The one who would stay up late just to finish a book or watch a late night airing TV show because the series ended. The one who loved and hated piano at the same time who just couldn’t get the violin right but still loved how it sounded no matter how creaky it gets. The one who loved reading about magic kittens and puppies and unicorns and fairies but also about dragons and monsters and science and fun facts and Horrible Histories (the series, not actual horrible histories until much later). The one that danced that two time on Children’s Day and last day of school and actually had fun doing it. The one that adored her percussion teacher from ECA and loved mastering the drums from what she taught in those two hours. I think about her a lot more now that I’m turning 18 and am supposed to be deciding my future. I wonder if that twelve-year-old is proud of me. Obviously, I have thought about going back to the good old days where I was twelve again but now I see that I would much rather be where I am now. After all, there’s internet here. But, I mean, I was twelve. I was childish, immature and selfish. I didn’t see the bigger picture yet. I made a lot of mistakes thinking that others should have seen my point of view when really I should have beens seeing theirs. I see it now. And I see more than ever. I just hope I don’t stop seeing.

I’ve also basically lost my will to write? I just remember being a kid and just writing in between classes, well I mean yes they were very childish and pretty bad but I LOVED writing and I just kept going and going. Heck, I filled three exercise books with that one story just going through day by day enjoying writing as my alter ego and who I wanted to be. As I grew older I did increase in quality but I’ve noticed I’ve decreased in quantity dramatically and it upsets me a little. I mean, I’m learning so much now. I’ve learned about feminism and fighting racism and representation in the media and the patriarchal society and capitalism and how it oppresses women and other classes and junk like that but also the discoveries of science and so, so much about animals and just everything in general, even stuff about animation and songwriting and music and movies and books and I’ve learned to see things from a different or even critical point of view. I’ve learned to stop loving things blindly and know that there is always light and darkness in everything. I’ve learned that there are always more than just two sides to the stories. I’ve learned to stop attacking people just for not liking the same things I did . I’ve learned to keep an open mind about so many things like mental illness and slut-shaming and racism and so much more which is way more than I can say about my twelve year old self. Heck, when I was twelve, I thought being a slut was the worst thing I could be. (No joke, I literally wrote about calling someone a slut and feeling bad about it because I couldn’t come up with a worse thing to be called.)

BIG HERO 6 is a fantastic movie. It’s definitely one of the best movies I’ve seen in 2014 and I’m very happy with how it came out. Honestly, there is nothing better than watching a great animated movie for kids that not only have life lessons (losing a loved one and knowing violence isn’t the answer) but representation of cultures (biracial stuff, you can google this) and races and also throwing in some nerd culture (prodigy kid and big brother and friends in university CREATING BAYMAX SUPERSUITS) all while being adorably hilarious and fun and semi-lighthearted throughout the movie. It’s great for all ages and parents, definitely bring your kids to see it. I recommend it to everyone, really. I love animation in general because of the limitless possibilities of what it can be and how far it can go but seeing great works like this really just makes me so happy it’s really uplifting to see movies like this.

Also I’ve been semi-ignoring someone? I mean, I don’t like him. I don’t like the fact that he approaches me and he’s so forward about everything. I just don’t want him to do it but I don’t know how to make him stop? Help? It’s not good for him either because I don’t reciprocate his enthusiasm for talking to each other and I just end up annoyed with him but I know he doesn’t mean anything by it. I’m just an asshole.

Anyway, I hope I get out of this maze in my head soon.




Author: charlinosaur

you don't need to know.

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