Falling in Love

I realize that I’m leaving teenagery and stepping into the world of adulting soon and as unprepared as I am, I know I’m slowly but surely walking towards that direction no matter how many detours I try to take; but there’s always this one thing that plagues me. The whole find someone, fall in love, live happily ever after thing. I mean, the adult-ing stuff is hard enough on its own what with sorting taxes, paying bills, being independent, getting a job, working, living on my own, bla bla blah; I seriously doubt that I need the l-word thrown into the equation. I mean seriously. Meeting a guy? Getting to know each other? Falling in love? Giving your all? Please. I barely give half of what I have when I put my effort into pretty much anything, I’m very ascertain that I will put my anything into falling in love. I also know that this could mean that I’m running away from love. That I’m just telling myself I can be indifferent towards my ‘feelings’ and my ‘heart’ and ‘liking’ someone. I mean, the notion of falling in love sounds great and all, but talking about it and actually doing it are two completely separate matters. So yes, the actual notion of me falling in love with someone, actually giving a shit  beeswax about someone in the way that I can neglect my own needs for that person’s sake (as if I don’t already do that for the people I care about) is pretty terrifying, but hey, a girl can dream and talk about it as much as she likes. No harm done, right? Except maybe to the string of broken hearts I leave behind as I run from my feelings. But no matter. I will learn, eventually. I will find my path. And who knows? Maybe I’ll find that one person who will eventually find a way to climb over my walls and get me to stop hiding in my own shell. And speaking of that, maybe another reason I don’t think I’m ‘ready’ for a relationship or whatever right now is because well, maybe I’m not exactly heterosexual. I don’t know, I guess I’m still figuring out. The human mind and body are very complex after all. Who am I to judge if one day I suddenly realized I preferred ladies over the gents? Or maybe I’m bisexual, or pansexual, or asexual, not at all attracted to anyone. I know that running away from my feelings and people is harsh and petty. I guess my sense of self-preservation is stronger that I thought. I really did think I could just pretend nothing was wrong with him.



Author: charlinosaur

you don't need to know.

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