Whenever I want to ask ‘Should I do this?’ or say that ‘I don’t feel like I can do it’ or maybe just ‘I don’t like this part of me’ all I really want you to do is to freaking reassure me that I am not because I’m just unsure of myself and your opinion and/or support really means a lot to me and I really want to do this but I’m afraid of bothering people with my insecurities so I just keep my mouth shut and smile and pretend that I’m totally
not fucking fine, because I’m expected to be perfectly capable of handling myself as an adolescence if you just ignore all the raging hormones and other adolescent things that I am currently facing.
And the worst part is when they agree with what I’m saying. “I don’t think I can do this.” “Oh yeah, I think so too. No offense of course -insert fake laughter-.” “I don’t like this part of me.” “I know right? I mean, no offense but ….” “Do you think I should do this? Can I pull it off?” “Nah, you’d probably give up anyway.” Wow, thanks a
fucking lot. That just effectively increased my self- worthlessness-confidence and I totally know what to do now. That was such great advice.
But the saddest part is that even if I’m really grateful for all the nice things that you do say, I’m reluctant to believe it. Because life is a freaking roller coaster and every, and I mean every single time I start to feel good about myself, something bad happens and I’m always left wondering if the cause of the bad thing happening is because I felt good about myself. And that’s not okay. That’s not healthy. And most of all, that doesn’t make me happy.
I am trying, though. I really am.
the Pocket Monster.